Mailmen are the CIA

Read these words to expose the truth about mailmen.


On August 12, 1970, President Nixon signed into law a little known bill called The Postal Reorganization Act of 1970 which served to abolish the United States Post Office Department forever. No longer would the Post Office be a cabinet level position overseen by Congress. It had been replaced overnight with an entirely independent organization that possessed corporate-like powers and an effective monopoly over all mail delivery to any American citizen anywhere in the country.

At the time, this was hailed as a step forward which would serve to quote "bind the nation together as a people," by standardizing postal delivery all across America. And it worked. It really did. People still complain about the post office, but the Postal Reorganization Act really did completely revolutionize how mail could be delivered in a country of our size and diversity.

But that was only a side effect of what the law did. The true intent of that law was to turn the United States mail delivery system into the largest spy operation the world had ever seen. And not only did they get away with it, but nobody would even care if they knew. Thanks to that little known act of Congress, mailmen are the CIA. Because of course they are.

At the height of the Cold War, it's estimated that the KGB employed roughly eighty-five thousand agents in the field. A hundred thousand at the most, with a budget of roughly ten billion dollars a year. And that was in 1983.

Last year, the United States Postal Service employed over seven hundred and seventy-six thousand field agents and spent over two hundred and twenty billion dollars, and we're not even at war with anyone. (Pauses to let that sink in)

Two hundred and twenty billion dollars, and we're not even at war. Or are we? (He smiles.) Aren't we always? (He laughs.)

And the craziest part is that they didn't even really have to hide it. It's sitting right there like the nose on your face, and nobody sees it. The idea seems laughable, but it's true. Since 1974 until the present, every postal worker has been CIA. Every single last one of them, from top to bottom.

And if you think about it, it makes all the sense in the world. Why wouldn't you do that? Why wouldn't you have them spy? They're right there. They're already visiting your home. Why not have them do a little spying on the side? Maybe they'll help with the kids’ homework too. Who cares? It's the mailman. Everyone loves the mailman.

And why not? If someone’s going to catch a terrorist, who better than the mailman? Amiright?

(While showing footage of Nixon joking about the signing)

And here they were laughing about it. Roger Murphy was there. Ted Kennedy was there. Jesse Helms. Here they were, all these powerful men, about to commit the largest violation of civil rights since the Wilson Administration, and they’re laughing about it. It was incredible. And if we didn’t have this footage, nobody would believe it even happened. (He laughs to himself.) Not that anyone cares anyway.

And you've got to remember that at the time, everyone HATED the CIA. This was before the Church Committee. People are blaming them for the riots in Watts and the death of Doctor King. Things were spiraling out of control in Iran and Chile and the CIA was taking flak from all sides. They needed to freshen up their image and rebrand.

I mean, here they were, the most elite counter-intelligence force in the country, and everyone saw them as the bad guys. But once they saw they had a problem, the solution was abundantly clear. It's so obvious it's a wonder they didn't start it sooner. I mean, who better to deliver mail, then the best trained assassins in the world. Those bad guys aren’t going to catch themselves, you know.

Using the post office was the perfect solution. I mean sure, everyone hates the post office too. But...who hates their mailman? Nobody hates their mailman. Even if you hate your mail, you don't hate the mailman.

It's one of the few constants in this life, that you can move from city to city, coast to coast, but no matter where you go, there's your trusty mailman, delivering the mail through rain, sleet, and snow.

And we not only accept seeing this man driving slowly past our homes every day, we demand it. It's expected. He’s your friendly neighborhood super spy and he's always there when you need him. What's not to like?

Of course it’s true. It makes too much sense to not be true. Think about it. Who do we trust more than the mailman? And who could keep tabs on as many individuals at a time as the mailman?

He knows when you’re sleeping. He knows when you get paid. He knows when you get packages. He knows what magazines you read. He knows where you bank and who you owe money to. And who your friends are and who's on your Christmas card list. He knows when you move and where you're moving to and where you just came from. He knows all these things about you, and you don’t even think about it.

That’s the magic of the mailman. That’s why they made them all spies. Because there’s no one you trust more than the mailman. They're the perfect spies. Because they're the last people you suspect.

And the crazy thing is, it all just started as a joke. Hoover had just laid down the law that he wasn't going to share his secret stash of wiretaps anymore, so Nixon dragged all the guys to San Clemente for a long weekend of Triple B: Booze, Broads, and Brainstorming.

And it’s like four in the morning and Colson’s just blitzed out of his mind when he pops out with the idea of using postal workers as spies. He was just trying to lighten the mood, but immediately Nixon and Haldeman's eyes just lit up and they knew this was something they had to do. Colson made a vain attempt to talk them out of it at first, but it was just no use.

And of all the legacies that Nixon left behind, this decision was by far the most enduring. Everyone talks about Nixon in China. But it's the US Postal Service that was his biggest accomplishment and the whole thing started as a joke. Just like most great ideas.

Now remember, this is in the thick of the Watergate hunt. Right when everything's at its hairiest. And Congressional Democrats are picking through Nixon's bones looking for even a hint of impropriety to hang him with.

Yet somehow this one program escaped unscathed. This one program which contained the largest spy network in the world, and the Democrats didn't even catch a whiff of it. Why? Because that's just how good they were.

That's how you know a spy organization is successful: When you don’t even know they exist.

Do I "know" this is real? No, I don't know if any of this is real. What is real? What is reality? Did Nixon delete the tapes? What did Oswald know? I can't say any of these things for certain.

But what I can tell you is that where there's smoke there's fire and I'm smelling a lot of fire around here. That's for sure. A whole lot of fire.

That's what happened to the eighteen minutes. That's what Nixon was erasing from that tape. He didn't give a damn about the plumbers. It was the mailmen he didn't want out of the bag.

And in the end, even Nixon fell on his sword to protect the Postal Service. That's how important they were. Even Nixon wouldn't betray the Service.

You got Rumsfeld. You got Kissinger. You got Marsh. All these guys working just as hard as they can to save the Agency from giving away the store. Meanwhile, the fricking postal service is doing all this stuff out in broad daylight. No one even thinks twice about it.

Seymour Hersh wrote about it three times, front page articles. Once in 1971, another in 73 and again in 76. Nobody cared. So the mailman is spying on us. So what? It's like finding out that your sister's screwing the milkman. Like who cares, right? He's the fricking milkman. Same difference.

Mailbox after mailbox. Neighborhood after neighborhood. From the Florida Keys to glaciers in Alaska, these guys are everywhere. What do they see? What do they know? What secrets have they learned about us and who are they telling them to? We have a right to know these things. It’s in the Constitution.

And what do these guys do at night? Do they eat? Do they sleep? Where the hell do they live? We don’t know any of these things about them. All we know is that we trust them with some of our most intimate and personal messages, yet we haven't the slightest clue who they are, other than a trained agent of the US Postal Service. And for most Americans, that's good enough. It’s only the bad Americans that complain.

There's this story I like to tell about one of their top assassins. DeMarco. And he was this big black guy. Muscles all over. But the nicest fellow you could ever meet. The kind of guy your grandmother might invite over to bust up a chiffarobe or two.

And so one afternoon DeMarco's doing his rounds and gets invited in for tea by this elderly woman, and who should happen to be there visiting but the very Russian agent DeMarco was looking for. But the Russian...he had no idea. Not a clue that the friendly black mailman he was having tea with would be the very person who would assassinate him later that afternoon.

People just see that uniform and it makes them feel at ease, even when they're black. That's a true story. I saw the tape.

Am I saying that every mailman you see on the street is some sort of James Bond ninja assassin? No, I am not. But...that's not so far off from the truth.

I mean, look at those guys. The only people in better shape than mailmen are UPS drivers, and we all know what they're up to.

What they don't want you to know is that they could have same day delivery, if they wanted to. They could deliver from Portland to Denver in three hours, if they wanted to. But that doesn't give them enough time, see. They want our mail to be slow so they can slow us down. That's why a letter that could be delivered in three hours takes three whole days.

Right now, I can send a message all the way around the globe from my phone faster than I could have it mailed to my brother across town using the Postal Service. Why? Because that's how they get you. That's how they keep you down.

Benjamin Franklin once said that to control the mail is to control the mind. And that's exactly what they've been doing to us. Controlling us, one letter at a time. And frankly I've had enough. I'm sending everything through email now.

(Off-Camera): Well, can't they just scan it even faster now if you're sending it over the internet?

Huh? No, I don't think so. I only use Google.

So the next time you see your friendly neighborhood mailman passing by your home, give him a nod and a thanks, but remember: 

(In most serious voice)

Mailmen are the CIA. Because of course they are.